We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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