No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
