I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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