If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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