No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
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