I wish my penis had an off switch
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Oh. So it is a cult
Basically. But a nice cult. They eat muffins and talk about fundraising.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize