I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Are these your boobs on my camera?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
