She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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