Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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