true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
