and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
