Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
