Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
