I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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