I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
