last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
