best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
