dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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