Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
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