They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
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