Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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