I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Randomize
