Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize