When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
