but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
at the topless march for equality..and wow.not all these boobs should be treated equally
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
