Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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