I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
