I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
