well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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