i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Drunk is a universal language darling
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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