We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
