I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
Church boner. Awkwardddd
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
