So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
