I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
