i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
