every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
