hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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