i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
