Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Randomize
