A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
