I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
