Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize
