I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
Randomize
