he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
and you fell through a lawn chair
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
Randomize
