i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
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