You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Randomize
