every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
