Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
