speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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