he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
