I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Randomize
