Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
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