How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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