Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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