Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
