youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
