Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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