Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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