Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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