You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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