I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
