Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
you kept typing in answers.com, why are the state police calling my house, expecting an answer
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Randomize
